Last week we travelled down to Assuit to visit the orphanage again for a few days (http://members.tripod.com/ltokids/index2.htm). This time we didn't make the long drive through the desert, we took a train for about 6 hours. It gave me a lot of time to just stare out the window and lose myself in my thoughts. Sometimes I think just sitting and having "thinking time" can do us a wealth of good. I realized a lot about what had been on my heart and in my mind lately, but i hadn't had the time to really address any of it.
I was just looking out taking in all that my eyes saw. Village after village...just a few people and their donkeys. Just a few little "shelters" made of cement, or sometimes just pieces of scrap metal thrown together. Sometimes the scenery would go on for what seemed like forever without any kind of "market" or anything coming into sight. I'd just see a few men toiling away in their fields, or women at the banks of the dirty river (creek?) gathering water in jugs they would carry back on the tops of their heads, with a flawless balance i've never seen any place else. Hours and hours of the same scene. People who seemingly had nothing but the clothes on their backs, the water/bread above their heads, and the donkeys underneath them.
Why am i different? Why do I not have to live this way? Could I live this way? If I was asked to forfeit what I have at home, could i do it? Or more importantly...could i do it with a happy heart? Sometimes it seems like the greatest sacrifice one could ever be asked to make. Why do i always think i am "better" than something like this? That somehow, i am worth more. That i can do more, that my life is more significant. Is it, though? Does God love me more? Does He hear us and love us according to our "status" in society? Of course the right answer is "no", but really if we are honest with ourselves, that is the attitude we carry around in our hearts.
As the hours elapsed, i just began to feel an overwhelming sense of the breadth of God's love. The infinite span it reaches. That the Lord of the Universe takes the time to be present in (seemingly) the middle of nowhere, among people that have no knowledge of Him whatsoever. His love has no bounds. It has no alternate agenda. It is not earned, and it is not given to us in a measure of what we have done for Him. I found myself in awe yet again at the love of God. At its simplicity and its purity. There is nothing I could have done to deserve it. The people outside of my train window...they are known and loved by God. It's not just the hairs on *my* head that are numbered, it's not just *my* tears that He knows, it's not just *my* cries that He hears, it's not just *my* life that He has a plan for, and it is not just *me* that He calls His child. It is them as well. This love extends to the most remote of villages, to the most lost of people. To the people that live here that stop everything to pray 5 times a day. That live under the oppression, fear, and shame that comes along with much of the fundamental Islamic faith. That still slaughter animals and smear the blood everywhere as a sacrifice to their god. That commit horrid crimes in the name of glorifying their deity. That use all of their resources to wipe out those that actively follow Christ. These people that in our eyes are so undeserving of this kind of love. Or these people that in our eyes are so easily forgotten. Or so easily overlooked. Or simply just not worth the time. But yet, He loves them in the same measure He loves me or you. Irrespective of who we are, what we do, and what we have. This love reaches every corner, knows every heart. Knows the innermost cries of those who will never have a voice. Who will never be "reached" by someone. He loves those who He knows do not love Him in return. He loves those that persecute His church. Can any other Love do such things? And how many times do I forget that I am just as undeserving of this Love as the lowest of the lowest? At times I just cannot wrap my mind fully around it.
I pray that you ... may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:17-19)
I am sad that my time in Egypt is quickly coming to an end. It took me some time to realize how dear this place and these people have become to my heart. Sometimes while you are in the middle of running around and doing what seems like a million things, you don't always take the time to reflect. You tend to be so busy trying to impact everything around you, you don't realize how much the people and places have impacted *you*. There is still much to be done here, and work to be finished, but i guess the reality that this assignment is not permanent has begun to set in.
I feel that i am at such crossroads trying to decipher what the next season of life holds for me. At one point it all seemed so clear and straight forward. It was logical and safe. But as i've been here and thus removed from life back in the states, i suppose my outlook and priorities have been changing. I think I have shifted my values a bit. Things I used to think were so important do not seem so important now. And things I was willing to leave behind or simply forget, do not seem so easy to part with. My personal definition of "happy" and "successful" have also shifted course.
It's not so much about what you do, as it is about who you are.
I am tired of trying to be defined by what i do. Or by what degrees I've earned. Or by who knows what about it all. I want to be defined by who I am. By the Love i have inside. No occupation, no accomplishment, no letters after my name could make me feel as honored as i feel when i know i am making a lasting difference in someones life. Love and compassion can not compete with worldly success, academic achievement, fame, etc... Often, this is such a difficult thing to admit.
Oh, it's been quite the journey thus far.
[these are just some pictures from kozzika andnthe library last week... I can't find my little cord to get my newest pictures on the computer...but once i do i'll put them on here. Note the huge amount of stairs we have to climb to get to the clinic....and also note the POLLUTION in that one picture. Welcome to Egypt, my friends!]
